I wake up to the pitter patter of my kids feet. I am sleeping on the couch of course with a flashlight, as I am on edge of federal agents invading my privacy, and more-so my garbage cans. I awake slower and with less energy, as the everyday worries and anxiety of facing a federal indictment and spending time in jail seems to suck every last ounce of energy from my soul. I feed my son some cheerios, with no blueberries of course because those have gotten very expensive since the costs of this situation have began to take their toll on my finances. I check my email. in hopes by some miracle the justice system has changed the federal ban on medical cannabis and my immanent worries are suddenly over. It has yet to happen, but it could I keep telling myself. I drag myself to a shower after a cup of coffee, and grudgingly vow to carry on with my day and try to be productive. I am not allowed to use cannabis, as a condition of my bail, so I have resorted to more conventional over the counter painkillers, as I rotate between Aleve, Tylenol, and Motrin in hopes of tricking my liver into not collapsing. I would use my Marinol but it is twenty plus dollars a pill and I choose to use it only when in serious pain or overwhelmed by anxiety. I must remember to call the 'Code-A-Phone" 800 number line that tells me if my number has come up on the lucky "Will-I-Be-Piss-Tested-Today" lottery. I then try and focus on still making a living to support my family. I have a party rental company that needs tending to, but I always seem to get bound down trying to contact lawyers, talking to the folks at ASA, or going over possible scenarios for my future. I also attempt to look for additional work to help put some food on the table while the party rental business is slow. Craigslist, Monster, ABy Area Help Wanted. I try to focus, but often I am overcome by the magnitude of the road ahead. I often drive around putting out flyers for the business and resumes at businesses that interest me, but I am often so distracted that I am incapable of making the progress I hope for. I often either have to meet with a lawyer, counselor, pre-trial services agent, possible employer, IRS Counselors, Insurance Companies, and many other advisors throughout my journey. I try to stay positive, but I must admit that many days I get down and let the world get the better of me. It is somewhat refreshing that the holidays are over, as I can hope to move on professionally and look for a new start at a year that is hopefully less complicated. I return home to recharge with some time with the kids before dinner and I often am often dragged away by a phone call or need to get work done and I allow the pressures of the situation dictate my time and energy. It has become so imperative to get things done in these times that I am often obsessed and overwhelmed. I usually have so much on my plate that I cannot even imagine where to begin, so I sit there...head in the hands...hoping the ball of anxiety in my stomach will go away. It never does.I eat if I am lucky enough to not be in the middle of something, and try to help get the kids ready for bed, when I am not overwhelmed by the task at hand. If I am lucky the day has an event that I work or an odd job I can do for a friend. Not just because I am able to make a couple of bucks, but because it allows me divert my focus to something other than the case and my family's future. It allows me to breath. I try to escape with a television show or movie, but never make it. I either cannot sit still long enough or I am so tired I fall immediately asleep. Depends on the day. I get the strangest phone calls these days. If it is not the IRS, a lawyer, or an agent of some sort, it is a long lost friend that saw me on the news and picked up a flyer and decided to give me a call. Or it is another computer generated bill-collector asking why I cannot make my payment again. I swear I often think of throwing my phone in a lake and just letting the chips fall where they may, but it is just not realistic with everything happening. I try to sleep at night, but am constantly awakened by noises outside of my house or just plain nightmares of what my life could become. I wake up at one, three and five like clockwork now. walk outside and have a cigarette, check the perimeter, and go back in to watch CNN, just hoping I am not on it again. I hopefully doze off again, but often I just watch the sunrise on the east coast and wait for it to rise over my house so I can make some coffee and get on with whatever the next day has to offer.