It is 4:45 a.m. and I awaken to the feeling of panic that has become my life.  I walk outside in my underwear to smoke a cigarette and gather my bearings.  I think deeply about the crazy dreams I just had, usually concerning this huge hotel with all sorts of weird people from my life experiences staying there.  I try to breath deeply to calm myself, as I wander back to the couch that has become my bed.

I begin watching the morning news cycle hoping that while I slept for a few hours the world has somehow changed for the better.  I am still an optimist, but for how long?  Maybe I am becoming pessimistic and apathetic about life, as I sit here in limbo.  If I am lucky I can drift off slowly to the sound of CNN and catch another half hour of sleep before my oldest son wakes up, but normally I just check the web for further updates about the world, cannabis, and my life.

I make a pot of coffee normally and take my medications to start the journey of my day.  I take a mixture of anti-depressants, tranquilizers, and Marinol to quell the pain, depression, and anxiety that is often overwhelming.  I now take three prescribed synthetic medications to help suffice where cannabis is no longer an option.  I supplement those with an array of over-the-counter pain relievers to also help ease the many pains my body now feels.  I am sure my liver and kidneys are happy.

It is 8 a.m. and the creditors begin the barrage of calls hoping that this will be the day I answer.  It is not that I do not want to answer the calls, but I am so down right now, that my depression turns to anger and I find myself on the phone screaming and preaching about medical cannabis two some over-zealous phone jockey in India who is just trying to do his job.  It usually makes me far worse for the wear and I no longer have the energy to deal with it, so I just turn off my ringer and ignore the dozens of calls that I receive daily.

I have a number of projects I am working on to stay busy, but normally have difficulty finishing tasks the way I used to. My moods can fluctuate greatly and often I am stuck inside of my head trying to decipher a plan of escape. I press on with the day's duties.  I find myself not achieving goals, yet doing enough to complete the tasks at hand.  No more, no less.

It is just over a month until I will be sentenced and I am in a constant state of fear about what that day will bring.  The anticipation leading up to this half-hour of my life that will change my course forever is often too much to comprehend.  I go over in my head the points I want to make in my sentencing and compile words and phrases in different orders and implement abstract ideas to represent myself, my family, and the community in honorable fashion.  I walk the fine line between needing to be humble for my "crimes" and the inherent need to express my feelings of injustice and waste.  I must find a way to express that I am sorry for my "crimes," while somehow making clear that I do not believe I am a criminal.  This is the dialogue that my head has with my heart all day, every day.

I engage with my children regularly and do my best to not let them see the vast emotion and distress that I feel inside.  I do my best to spend time with my family, but am often useless, as my anxieties leave me agitated and uncomfortable. I often withdraw, as I am unsure of myself and suddenly doubt myself in many ways.  This is foreign to me.  My once confident and outgoing personality is disappearing, being replaced by a regiment of medications, counseling therapies, and relaxation techniques that have all become coping mechanisms for my newfound angst.    

My days move quickly.  Much too quickly often, and before I know it, it is mid-afternoon and I have once again failed to complete the lofty ambitions I had for my day, as I envisioned it the night before.  I normally get the things that need to get finished completed, but fail to make progress in places I need to, and a sense of panic that I am not doing enough overcomes me. I feel paralyzed by my situation.  I have worked so hard on the process of it all.  The lawyers, the pre-trial services officers, the probation officer reports, the house visits, the lawyers again, the DEA returning my property,  the gathering of letters of support, the outreach to the community, the court dates, the media, the blog, the paperwork, the strange encounters, the medical and scientific research, the protests, the fundraising, the public relations, the bake sales, the events, the telling of my story over and over to whoever is interested, the crying, the anger, the senselessness of it all; and now I am exhausted.  Yet, I still feel as if I have not done enough.

I am still searching for the one point. or contact, or study that will free me from the clutches of the justice system and allow me to get back to life.  I need to find a more reliable and consistent job, but it is difficult knowing that your picture will most likely be in the paper and on the news all over town in just a short month.  It is defeating to say the least.

I await my sentencing, knowing that anything can happen in that courtroom and understanding the vast implications that decision is to have on the world as I know it.  It is this moment in history that has my entire life put on pause and shakes the foundation of my being.  The wondering, the guilt, and the depression leave very little room for normality.  I am in a state of holding, waiting, and anticipating the future.  It is not healthy,

I normally do not eat much during the day.  I often will ingest nothing but coffee until dinner time and I am normally famished by then.  I try to enjoy dinner and the process of sitting down with my wife and kids for a moment of normality in my often hectic life.  I have come to enjoy the time and try to take in as much of the ritual as my mind will allow.  I take another round of meds.

I watch the evening news cycle, or try to enjoy a baseball game on the television. I try to escape from my head again into the television and watch the news to give perspective to my situation in realizing there are much worse situations out there than mine.  Although, comforting as that may be, it often leaves me worse for the wear and given my own experiences, I know for a fact the amount of sensationalism that goes into journalism these days.  I flip back to the game.  I do not care who is winning these days, but like to stare blankly at the screen and absorb anything that does not have to do with my personal situation.

My night wanders by as quickly as my days, and it is once again dark. the sun has set on another day of my freedom and I have less than I need but more than I want in the day's activities.  I am confused and disoriented. How had I let another day escape me without accomplishing something meaningful?  Why had I not spent more time with my family, or gotten more done?  Where has my drive and my courage gone?  How did I get here?  All very good questions, but meaningless without answers.  

It has become midnight, the start of another exciting day.  I am sure that this day will be different.  I am sure this will be the day I wake up calm.  My family will be happy.  I will accomplish some goals.  Yes, this will be that day...I hope.

 

Hello all,

Just an update that our sentencing has been moved to September 3rd and we would love to see everyone out in a show of support to send a clear message that our community disapproves of the resources and time being wasted on prosecuting and jailing medical cannabis patients and providers here in California. Save the date and please make it if you are available.

Myself and jessica Sanders will both be sentenced. For those who are not familiar, we are a medical cannabis edible producer that was violently raided in September of 2007 for providing clean and safe non-smoked forms of medicinal cannabis to patients throughout the state. Jessica's story is particularly troubling, as she is a lower-level employee that has been hit with a felony for simply taking an order over the phone. Her dog was shot twice in the process and she has lost her funding for extended education to boot. She needs your support.

We ask graciously that members of the community please join us in using this opportunity to raise awareness for medical cannabis and protest the unnecessary attacks we continue to see on our community. The information is as follows:

What: Sentencing for the Defendents of Compassion Medicinal Edibles
When: September 3, 2008 @ 2:30 p.m.
Where: 1301 Clay St., Oakland, CA; The Honorable Judge Wilken's Courtroom
Why: Because we need your support greatly.

Kind Regards,

Mickey Martin
Tainted Compassion Director
www.freetainted.com
freetainted@yahoo.com
510-377-1990

 

I have been in contact with members of the community in discussion and debate regarding patient safety and regulatory processes in which the community can begin to ensure more deeply that medicine is produced in safe and sanitary environments.  It is an interesting concept when discussing the possibilities of developing standards for an industry that is not clearly defined nor regulated.

I can speak clearly for my own experiences when I say it is imperative that the community begin creating methods and practices of preparing, handling, packaging and labeling medicine in a manner that is consistent with the norms of health standards worldwide.  I believe clearly that the self-regulation we imposed at Tainted's Compassion Medicinal Edibles regarding facility upgrades and sanitary standards, packaging and labeling requirements, and medicine production operation methods helped us in our process of dealing with the legal issues we now face.  I believe we have been treated more fairly in every step of the process as a result of our direct action to maintain strictly regulated facilities and implement standards of production, such as labeling that included drug facts, lot numbers, dating, ingredients and prominent warning labels, and tamper-resistant packaging to ensure patient safety.

It is imperative that we begin to define the difference between marijuana culture and cannabis intended for medicinal use.  Cannabis providers must have education, expectations, and safe practices in which to create medicine for often vulnerable patients.  We must begin to define clearly what is expected of medicinal producers and dispensers and begin to create an environment in which regulatory and governing bodies can feel more assured about allowing medicinal collectives to operate, ensuring a path to safe access for patients everywhere.

We can decide, as a community, if we want to begin to develop sound practices of ensuring a system that leads to absolute safe medicine for patients, or if we want to continue to wait until governing bodies appoint "officials" with little to no experience in dealing with cannabis as a medicine to make the regulations and rules for us.  It seems like a no brainer to me.  Create an attainable system of checks and balances that is fair and productive and make a system that can be adopted by regulatory committees as sound practices for the use of medical cannabis.  The idea to convey to society as a whole is that our main focus is healing through cannabis therapies and ensuring patient safety in that process. 

I encourage you to look around and see what can be done better and begin seeking out methods of ensuring patient safety at every level.  From cultivation, to processing cannabis from a raw to finished products, to handling and transporting, to packaging and labeling, to dispensing practices, to patient education of safe use, there are things we can all begin to do better to ensure patients are receiving the cleanest and safest medicines available.  I look forward to progression and believe the time to act is now.  We must quit being reactive and addressing issues only when they become problems.  We must think clearly and envision the future of medical cannabis, addressing the weaknesses in the current process and create assurances that we intend to operate safely at every step along the way.  

Just to let all who care about me know that I am doing okay. I have been a bit of a recluse lately, as I am still a bit overwhelmed by the magnatude of the road ahead. Also, I am switching medications to try and find a combination of pharmeceuticals that will hopefully help me feel better in the long run. It is a shame that I have to combine three volatile chemical synthetic medicines to accomplish what cannabis helped me with. Hopefully my liver or brain will not be too worse for the wear when it is all said and done. I am also looking at having knee surgery as soon as there is a space on the schedule at Kaiser for me. I have a torn ACL in my right knee that has continued to get wose and resulted in me falling down a small flight of stairs, as it dislocated completely and I lost my balance. I took a header into a small retaining wall and got a mild concussion and some lacerations. Facing sentencing, surgery, and trying to figure out how to pay the bills has me a bit stressed, overwhelmed, and worn out. I apologize if I have not kept in direct contact with some of you more often. Please understand that I am in a chaotic and strange survival mode that is uncumfortable for me to speak about, and therefore I have had a habit of avoiding unecesary contacts. Hopefully the combination of anti-depressants, tranquilizers, and marinol will have me feeling more regular in the near future. much love to the friends and family who have supported us through all of this mess. Feel free to give me a call, but understand if I do not answer it is nothing personal. Just a bit beside myself these days and not up for too much communication with the outside world. Stay up out there.

For anyone who may be making travel plans or arrangements for August 6th, our scheduled sentencing date, my understanding is that it is likely to be pushed back again.  One reason is I have a torn ACL that will require intense surgery and a long rehabilitation period.  There are also the normal scheduling issues regarding the many factions involved in the many different avenues that make up this legal conundrum.

I should know more this week and will be posting all around when I do find out more.  Thanks for the support and check back for updates later this week. Hope all is well out there.

Mickey

I have been an active part of the medical cannabis movement for a number of years and have gotten to know many people from all over that have the common goal of making cannabis available safely and legally to patients everywhere.  Cultivators, manufacturers, dispensing collectives, activists, lawyers, leaders and members of advocacy groups, patients, and celebrities all seem on the surface to have mutual goals and wishes concerning cannabis.  Why is it that it is so difficult to achieve greater progress through unity?  Why is it that the different "tribes," as I like to call them cannot seem to find a way to put the differences aside and begin to work on projects more efficiently an effectively to achieve a higher level of success?

It has been almost twelve years since the passage of Prop. 215 and yet we still see minor bickering and petty quarrels inhibiting progress, as most organizations and individuals choose to march to the beat of their own drum.  There are many personal and unrelated differences that often interfere with the communication process and often we are less served as a community based on petty differences.  The every man for themselves attitude needs to begin to change, and there is a bit of progress in that direction; but definitely not enough.

We must find a way to achieve greater unity and begin to develop common strategies for success to combat the lies and misinformation that begin to eat away at the core value of the medical cannabis movement, which is patient safety.  Most of us are here to ensure that patients are treated safely by law enforcement, have access to clean and safe medicine, and avoid unnecessary and costly practices related to prohibition.

I ask you today to join me in an act of unity.  I am reaching out to some of the people I have had differences in philosophy in the past and opening lines of communication through compromise and giving.  I ask us all to be the bigger person and find not the faults of your adversaries within the movement, but the positive things they have to offer to the community.  Reach out and let the many people that make up this movement know that we appreciate them for their work and that we are all one, with common beliefs and goals.  Let your fellow members of the community know the respect you have for their efforts and offer to lend a hand when needed.  Be a kinder, gentler, and more understanding community and hopefully we can find methods of unity that will push our movement ahead to making safe access to cannabis as a medicine a true reality.

A mistake is to commit a misunderstanding. 

FRIDAY, MAY 23, 2008