What makes a family and what keeps it strong when times are tough? It is the most horrific moments in life that we must lean on our family and find comfort. A family is a difficult thing to manage at times, as many different ways of thinking and acting make up the differences in all of us, even our own families.  There will be times that you disagree and times when you agree.  There will be moments of disappointment, as it is human nature to make mistakes.  There are times of joy, times of sadness. The joy of new life and the pain of death of a loved one.  A family will eventually experience the inner-most feelings of an individual and hopefully love them unconditionally.

I have spent many of the past few months, the past few years, and the past few lifetimes being consumed by my life at times.  I understand the need to be a better family member and put aside my own feelings to begin to understand the people who are closer to me a little better.  I come from a strange family dichotomy to say the least.  My parents divorced when I was one and I grew up primarily with my mother and sister.  I did not begin having a relationship with my father until I was six, and even then it was limited to vacations and summer breaks, Family to me was a single mother that worked herself silly and a sister that is a bit of a recluse and obsessive personality.  I left home at an early age.

My life consisted much of adopting friends and people I became close with as surrogate family members.  My friends were my brothers.  I sought out father figures.  I leaned on my mother in times of despair.  But for the most part I was never really part of a true family growing up.

When I was 30 years old I had my first child.  I began to realize that my lack of training in being a good family member made it difficult to understand what I needed to do to be a good family member.  I remember spending the first six months of my sons life in shock and horror, as I doubted myself and became panicked I could not be the father I always longed for.  I began to frantically prove to myself and the world that I was indeed a good father by being a good provider, but I often drank to hide my inner most fears.  I lost sight of what was important a lot of the time, and it makes me sad to think of those wasted moments.

A child consumes you.  You get a sick feeling in your stomach when they get hurt or cry.  You do your best to give them the tools and environment that encourages growth and happiness. You become suddenly philosophical about parenting and the words of your mother, "wait 'til you have children of your own," ring through your head. It is hard to define roles in the child-rearing and responsibility.  Children spend the first two years of their life glued to their mothers and wake up one day and become these independent souls with wants and dreams like the rest of us. They learn to communicate their feelings and they begin to develop true identities.  They enter a different consciousness at some point and become these sponges that soak up information at alarming rates.

Children can often leave the parents with little time for each other, as it seems every moment is consumed with how to take care of the children and how to provide everything they need.  Often we forget that the core of a healthy family is the bond that created it.  The dream, the idea, the first kiss, the fighting, the loving, and the sharing.  It is easy to lose sight of what is important, as one always will put their children's needs in front of their own.  It is easy to lose focus on the love that made the children in the first place.

This legal situation has been maddening to say the least and has many days gotten the better of me.  I am scared of what may come and what that means for the future of my family.  I am beginning to understand that a family is a bond created by honesty, emotion, understanding and knowing that you must be there, no matter what.  People can often get their priorities all out of whack in this day and age of always being busy and obligated to so many different things at once.  It is east to forget that the most important thing one can do is be a better family member and learn to understand how to make each other happy.  I encourage everyone to reach out to the people closest to you and find out one new thing about them.  Everyone has something. You may be surprised.