I am sick of letting this situation control me.  I am exhausted from caring. I know I am not a criminal.  I am confident that this is just another hurdle in my life and that whatever will happen will happen.  I cannot let these worries get the better of me.  I have come too far to lose now.

I was reminded by a good friend of the struggles of Ghandi and MLK and that they had to spend many days in prison for their beliefs but that the social change they believed in was well worth the struggles.  Thanks for the enlightenment.  I guess we all need to be centered sometimes and remember what we began fighting for so many years ago.  Freedoms.

I refuse to let the failed system of politics and rhetoric consume me.  I am better than that.  This system is rigged for failure, but we continue to win the war.  It is an honor to be a part of this movement and I am proud of what I have done to contribute to it over the years.  I will always try and remember to keep the warrior stance that enabled me to persevere in the face of aggression for so many years. "This aggression will not stand, man." (Lebowski) 

I do not have control of this situation and there is nothing I can do to change that.  If they want to lock me up they will.  If they do not they will not.  Plain and simple. Who cares?  Either way I will survive.  Anyway they want to play it. Good for them.  I will still be standing when it is all said and done.  You cannot break my spirit and fuck you for trying. 

 "The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals. "

Anxiety runs high in my world, as I begin the 20 day countdown to my destiny with fate.  What can one do?  What do you say?  How should I feel?  I know I should not be excited, but why am i this worried?

Sure.  My entire future rests in the balance of the Honorable Judge Claudia Wilken.  Her decision has the ability to change my life for a very long time.  I am sick with worry.  I doubt myself more than ever.  I fear the future while wanting it all to be over.

It is not that I do not think I have a snowball's chance in hell of staying out of jail that bugs me.  It is not that we are stuck in a moment of confusion and great error regarding the ways of state and federal law.  It is not the ambiguous path that lead me to this anxious moment.

I fear corruption at its greatest levels.  I know that the driving force behind my arrest is far more than the few DEA agents that seized my life and vilified me in the worldwide press.  I understand the vast complexities that have created this black hole of legality that cannabis patients and providers work within, or without, everyday.  I ask myself, "Why was this not stopped when it could be controlled?  While there were few dispensing collectives and far less patients using cannabis therapeutics in the year 2000 our government sat idly by watching and waiting for this movement to grow.  Why?  Why not just stamp it out in its infancy?  Why wait until it has grown out of control to begin the backlash that we have seen in cases like ours, and many others?

The only answer I can come up with that makes any sense is greed.  The political forces that drive the policy in Washington have bought the lawmakers off into not actually caring about the science or medical proficiency of cannabis as a medicine.  They have continued to see record profits in pharmaceuticals, and other major lobbying sectors while allowing a small cottage industry of patient providers to flourish into "drug kingpins", and "criminal enterprises."  They have waited to see how it would play out and many of us have become victims of this senseless aggression and incompetent enforcement procedure that allows for the industry to continue to grow (literally).

They have allowed us to be the guinea pigs in one of the greatest experiments of all times. " What a bunch of saps we are," I think to myself.  They allow us to do the experimentation, develop public interest, gain the support of a majority of Americans, and simply walk in and take everyone's hard work and any assets that may be laying around and turn us all into criminals shortly before passing legislation that will open the window for drug companies to come in and control the market without the political and legal backlash we all now face.

I am worried about the bigger "conspiracy that lies beneath the surface to erupt.  I understand I am just a pawn in this game of fools and feel used.  I know in my heart I did my best, but at the end of the day i must wonder if that was enough?  Will I still be another incarcerated American that the government gladly pays $25,000 dollars a years to keep off of their streets?  Will my family be forced to flee to another state to seek refuge with a family member in my absence?  Was it all worth it?  Who knows and who cares?  It is what it is.

20 days from now my questions will be answered and we as a society and a community will know a bit more about where we stand in the grand scheme of this conflict.  It will be clear if there is compassion at the highest level, or corruption.  We will know just how much we have been duped.

Until then, I will try to patiently await my fate.  I will search deep into my soul for reasoning and understanding.  I will try to make peace with my future and try not to let the "what ifs" get the better of me.  Just to put an exclamation pointon the whole episode, here is a great comment from our nations Attorney General, regarding the lack of prosecution happening concerning the prosecutors that were unjustly fired by this administration for their "liberal" viewpoints. 

Mukasey even got off this doozy in justifying his failure to act: "Not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime."  

That is what we have been saying all along, right?